Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

No, I haven't forgotten your pressing business etiquette and style questions, I'm just going to move them to a different venue. Starting in the next couple of weeks I'm going to migrate questions to my Business Style Matters B.Log and once each week address some of your questions.

Rachel Weingarten as Ms. Biz Manners

Holiday Tipping

I have to give you all a big apology, I've been battling the flu for weeks and have not updated as promised. I received quite a few e-mails asking for help with everything from holiday parties to holiday tipping and I truly meant to answer, but it's been a tough few weeks. (and yes, I did update my other blogs- forgive me!)

Okay, a quick link for help with holiday tipping check out this story on CNBC about holiday tipping (yes, I'm quoted in it!)

Rachel Weingarten AKA Ms. Biz Manners
Like the advice? Read Career and Corporate Cool (TM) or visit the Ms. Biz Manners website

All content included on this site is the property of Rachel C. Weingarten and protected by United States and international copyright laws. Information on this site may not be reproduced without advance written permission of the author.

On Giving Thanks

I've been spending a lot of time on the lecture circuit lately, doing modern style and business manners workshops at different companies all over the states ranging from Fortune 100 companies, to boutique agencies.

While I expected to hear a lot of the same pet peeves and questions (and I will be addressing these in upcoming posts), I was surprised to hear a lot of questions on when and how to say thank you. In fact, some people actually were fairly annoyed when people wasted their time by sending a thank you note.

Now, I'm fairly polite (some would say rabidly so), but I'm not Emily Post polite. I tend to try to e-mail people to thank them for their time or attention, and much as I'd like to think that I send out written notes all of the time- I simply don't.

I know that it can become awkward to be stuck in the Thank you/No thank you/No, really- thank you!/Noooooo, thank YOU spin cycle, I can truly think of worse manners conundrums to be embroiled in.

Here are the bare bones basics. Someone does something nice for you - you thank them. If they thank you for the thank you, they've crossed the line from good taste to somewhat annoying. If they're simply reiterating what a pleasure it was to help out, then you can graciously respond or feel free to sever the communication at that point. No need to get annoyed about it.

It's Thanksgiving this week, and while every element of your work or personal life might not be picture perfect, it's the perfect time to give thanks for the elements that work for you. Try to take some time to yourself over the coming long weekend to reflect on the best and worst parts of your job and maybe try to create a small plan that will help you to move forward towards the career/position/title of your dreams. This way- you'll have even more to give thanks for next year!

Rachel Weingarten AKA Ms. Biz Manners
Like the advice? Read Career and Corporate Cool (TM) or visit the Ms. Biz Manners website

Explosive E-Mails

For the most part this is a place for me to try to answer some of your more pressing business manners and etiquette questions. I wish that I could answer all of you personally, or that I could at least touch on all of your questions on this forum, but I get so much e-mail at the best of times, that it can be tough sometimes to sift through, much less to respond in a well thought out and hopefully helpful fashion.

There's been a lot of talk lately about somewhat public media figures responding to annoying PR pitches. One that's garnered a lot of media ink would be the recent blog post by Chris Anderson, he of the Long Tail and Wired magazine, in which he went on a somewhat extended rant about being inundated by off target pitches from PR people who repeatedly spam his e-mail account. Anderson went so far as to out them publicly on his blog in which he stated that "Many of them sent press releases; others just added me to a distribution list without asking. If their address gets harvested by spammers by being published here, so be it--turnabout is fair play." While his motivation or ire was likely justified, his response was also incredibly petty if not mean spirited.

The NYT ran a follow up story Hacks vs. Flacks (referring to the industry nicknames for journalists and publicists) in which they included a wider spectrum of the PR industry and allowed others to weigh in on Anderson's stunt. Make no mistake about it, whatever his frustration level or motivation may have been, I have no doubt that Anderson was well aware of his own buzz creation when he posted this provocative and very cranky list .

One of the questions that I'm frequently asked, or asked to discuss in my Modern Business Manners Matter workshops is how to deal with irritating e-mails and managing responses to overcrowded inboxes. I know firsthand just how annoying it can be to receive myriad off target pitches either by phone or e-mail. I also know that to cut off a valuable if not immediately viable artery of communication can have long term negative effects on one's career. In fact, it's almost fascinating to wonder if Anderson's current hubristic posturing will at some point spawn a long tail of a different sort, perhaps when his star isn't quite as bright as it is just now.

While I don't suffer fools graciously, I do try to at least give people a chance. In a follow up to his initial post, Anderson wrote "Many people wrote to apologize, promising to reform their ways, and asked to be taken off the list. I've written to all of them to thank them for their commitment to change, but I'm not going to undo history. The list, like mutual funds, reflects past behavior but does not necessarily indicate future performance."

In a similar vein, albeit a considerably less elegantly worded one, Washington Post music critic Tim Page recently answered an off target PR pitch relating to former mayor Marion Barry with some fairly harsh statements along with a request to be taken off the mailing list. Barry's response was equally inappropriate, citing racism nationwide and calling for Page's job.

The Pulitzer prize winning writer responded by saying "It's the stupidest thing I've done in 30 years in journalism," I hope people won't judge me on this one explosion."

One of my personal struggles is to remain calm when faced with the intricacies and idiocies of daily business life. In fact, I frequently rail against one of my self imposed personal business mottoes "Don't Get Indignant," when faced with my own crowded inbox.

We all choose how to respond to petty annoyances, and how and when to forgive the trespasses that threaten our professional equilibrium. In the cases cited above however, I seriously wonder if sometimes just admitting to having made a monumental, misguided or just plain stupid mistake is the most elegant solution to any escalating awkwardness.

Rachel Weingarten AKA Ms. Biz Manners
Like the advice? Read Career and Corporate Cool (TM) or visit the Ms. Biz Manners website

What's Your Definition of Success?

Dear Ms. Biz Manners,

My family thinks that I'm a complete and total failure. I'm 37, I don't have my dream salary, my dream apartment or my dream life. Hell, I haven't even had a date in over a year. My two older brothers are both lawyers (the family profession) they hate what they do, but have very decent incomes, great house/apartment and girlfriend/wife. I, on the other hand work at a non-profit and can't seem to figure out how to make my expenses each month.

To tell you the truth, I love what I do, I love helping people and feeling like I make a difference in people's lives. At my old job I babysat people's investments and broke out in hives each time the market dropped - I still have acid reflux and a slight ulcer as souvenirs of my old profession. In my new incarnation, I feel as though I actually have an impact on society in even the tiniest of ways, I love getting out of bed in the morning knowing I actually matter.

The problem is that Thanksgiving is coming up and I know that my family will give me a hard time since for all intents and purposes they consider me to be a loser. My last girlfriend broke up with me when I changed careers and I can't seem to work up the nerve to ask anyone at work out. So should I pack it in and go back to banking and see if my girlfriend is willing to take me back?

Tormented by Past Success

Dear Tormented,

I'm hearing two very different things in your note. On the one hand you hated your old job so much that you developed lasting medical conditions and dated a woman who seemed more interested in your paycheck and lifestyle than your health or happiness. On the other hand your new career offers you emotional satisfaction, if not a paycheck to match those good feelings.

I feel your anguish, I know that when I was just a baby entrepreneur I wrestled with the concept of returning to a corporate job for the soothing regular paycheck and health benefits. Then I quickly slapped myself upside the head and remembered all of the crap that came along with that sense of security, and also the fact that I wouldn't be able to take several months off in a row to write books if I worked for someone else. In other words, I'm not a person who works well in a cubicle farm, and as much as I complain about having to do the work of 10 people, I prefer it to having a 'real' boss. That said, my lifestyle makes many of my friends shudder.

What you need to do is clearly decide what your definition of success is, and what your greater life goals are. Would you rather please your family or yourself? Would you prefer to pay your rent or feed your soul? More than that, is there a way to combine your skill set with a career that also rewards you financially? You don't have to be a starving artist to be creative. You should probably reign in your former spending habits to work with your new financial status. As for your ex-girlfriend? Trust me, you're so much better off without her. Time to move on and find a woman who fits your lifestyle and social status, and not simply one who likes you when you have more jingle in your jeans. It's also time to decide if your family's definition of success is more important than your own.

Hope it works out!
Rachel Weingarten AKA Ms. Biz Manners
Like the advice? Read Career and Corporate Cool (TM) or visit the Ms. Biz Manners website

(Questions may have been edited for clarification or simply to make them more amusing to you dear reader, though the nature of each cry for help remains unchanged)

How Do I Stop The Gossip?

Dear Ms. Biz Manners,

I work in a fairly small office space and for the most part we can all hear each other's conversations (not to mention fights with their spouses, unpleasant bodily sound effects, annoying musical choices and well, you get the idea). While I'm not friendly with all of my co-workers, I do try to stay on good terms with them and we eat lunch together at least once a week. One co-worker in particular, we'll call her Gossip Girl, seems to live for collecting dirt on everyone else at work- I swear, she's the next Perez Hilton- only less subtle. I don't know if I'm more nervous to be caught talking about others when I don't want to, or if I'm worried that if I ask her to stop she'll start talking about me. Is it terrible if I listen to what she says? I mean it's not like any of it is a secret anyway.

Gossip by Proxy

Dear Gossip,

I'll bet you're wondering why I called you 'Gossip' and not 'Proxy,' right? Well, here's the thing- if you're listening, you're accepting what you hear, and if you accept what you hear for better or worse you're also branding yourself a gossip. Heather Boerner recently wrote a great piece for Yahoo Hot Jobs on stopping gossip at work (read it here) and yes, I did weigh in on how gossip can be damaging to your career and how to stop it. Some of my pearls of wisdom included:

"You lose your reputation. "My reputation is my business," said Weingarten. "If someone says something bad about me, or I become known as a gossip, that could affect my entire career."

and also

"Replace gossip. Sometimes gossip is the only thing you have in common with coworkers, said Weingarten. So find something to replace it. Do you both knit? Are you both sports fans? If you must gossip, do it about movie stars or soap operas, she said. Just leave the office out of it."

Okay, so we've established that gossip is not just damaging to the person you're speaking about, but it can also negatively impact on the way that others perceive you. Do you want to be branded as a professional, or as a professional gossip? Gossip can damage reputations and seriously erode work relationships, and you have enough to contend with in the workplace, why would you want to hobble your talents in that way?

Now here's an interesting conundrum. On reading the article again, I realize that I'm troubled by some of the advice that one of the other people quoted gave, most especially when she suggested that you listen to the gossip and set a timer during which it's okay to gossip.

Do I stay silent to avoid being perceived as someone who is gossiping? In this instance I can't, since for the purposes of this Q&A and my own reputation I'm charged with trying to help you to do the best job possible. In brief, I don't think that using tactics that make you look like the office tattletale or ones in which you show that you will in fact listen to gossip (even if you choose not to respond) are beneficial in any way to your professional reputation. You need to decide if the goodwill of the gossiper is more important to you than your own reputation and peace of mind.

Hope it works out!
Rachel Weingarten AKA Ms. Biz Manners
Like the advice? Read Career and Corporate Cool (TM) or visit the Ms. Biz Manners website

(Questions may have been edited for clarification or simply to make them more amusing to you dear reader, though the nature of each cry for help remains unchanged)

OVERREACTING? moi?

Dear Ms. Biz Manners,

I work for someone who tends to overreact to every little thing. And before you think that I'm overreacting, let me clarify, she overreacts in just about every situation- from throwing a fit if the printer is on the fritz, to getting all red in the face if a client is late to a meeting, to having the exact same attack if the numbers are off on our annual report. I swear, I never know whether I should try to calm her down or duck for cover. That's bad enough, but until she says what's wrong, I don't even know how to address the issue. Do you have any advice on how I can approach this subject with her? I know that you mention doing corporate triage in your book, but I can't even sort through the issues since everything is an emergency as far as she's concerned.

signed,
Fear of Firing

Dear Fear,

Well gee, take away my brilliant insights into corporate triage by quoting my book back at me why don't you?

All kidding aside, it can be incredibly difficult to deal with people who don't give you a fair set of guidelines to follow, much less when they don't react fairly to each situation. For some people this means simply getting to know the levels of distress and acting accordingly. Again, this might not work because your boss might get even angrier that you don't consider the sour milk in the refrigerator to be a crisis on par with global warming.

I wonder if there's some way to approach her when she's in a calm (Prozac induced?) state and ask if she could help you to set up a system whereby she uses a code word or even color coding system (red for urgent, orange for this is getting ready to explode, yellow for be on alert, blue for catch a sneak at General Hospital) for her urgent e-mails. Even the e-mailing system has built in levels of urgency, so perhaps encouraging her to use them might do the trick.

It can be hard to do your best work when you feel as though you're constantly sitting on a powder keg. When you do speak to her try to find a time or instance that you had advance warning and subsequently did your best work to show her that this approach does work and will continue to work in the future.

Hope it works out!
Rachel Weingarten AKA Ms. Biz Manners
Like the advice? Read Career and Corporate Cool (TM) or visit the Ms. Biz Manners website

(Questions may have been edited for clarification or simply to make them more amusing to you dear reader, though the nature of each cry for help remains unchanged)